If you are anything like me, or any other person on this planet, you have probably gone through a break up in your life. We are all too familiar with binge watching trash TV to stop ourselves from facing the reality that is, we no longer have the person in our life. Break-ups can break you if you let them. It takes a true champ to break out of the funk and focus on the reasons it happened, but 9 times out of 10, it was for the best.
It is crazy what a Break Up can do to your mentality. Instead of jumping out of bed in the morning to eat a fat bowl of cereal you want to hit snooze for what seems like eternity. Instead of meeting up with your friends to laugh and joke around, you prefer the solitude of your own silence and the security of your own 4 wall. Some of the scariest steps of breaking up with someone is the deleting the photos from your social media, telling people that you’re single and not talking to that person everyday. Break ups suck and the readjusting of your life without them is even suckier because the more your life changes after a break up, the more real it becomes that you’re single and that’s when it really hits deep.
But one thing that I know will help anyone during a break up is if you remember the why. If you keep thinking about the things you could have done differently in a relationship to prevent the break up, you will always live with that regret and feel like you let yourself down everyday. Holding onto regret and hate is like drinking poison, it only kills you not the other person. However, with that being said, it is SO important to feel every emotion that you’re going through. When you’re sad you must let the tears roll out your eyes like Niagara Falls. When your sobbing like a baby its important to sob as loud as you can. When you cannot bare to look at cute couples in the street, refrain from throwing Maltesers at them (I once did this in a cinema) but do allow yourself to hate it for a while. The reason I say this is because suppressing your emotions only creates pressure inside of you that will eventually erupt into something ugly. If you bury these feelings and work on being happy and okay, eventually these tightly packed feelings will be triggered by something and will shatter everything you have built around you. You need to confront them when they appear so that you can truly move on.
Break-ups hurt like a mofo, but what will hurt more is staying in a relationship that doesn’t encourage you to be the best version of yourself or holds you back from achieving your goals.
Something that I do know for sure is that pain is temporary, it will not last and it will not hurt this much everyday. I have only ever had one serious break up and it did in fact make me and break me. It wasn’t easy. Every day that passed I questioned whether I was doing the right thing in pursuing my dreams and leaving behind someone who didn’t fit into my bigger picture. I felt selfish and constantly doubted whether I’d regret my decision. But the truth was, I knew inside of me that if I sacrificed the things I wanted for this person, I’d never forgive myself. The scariest thing to do was to admit that I didn’t want this relationship anymore. This was because I didn’t know what the future held. My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t love someone again or find someone that I loved as much as this person. I cried, I watched a lot of Friends, I got drunk way too much and I lashed out at the people I loved. I lost sight of why I ended my relationship with this person.
Eventually, I was so done with hating myself and hating this person that I decided to get back in touch with myself. Luckily I had a good friend by my side the whole time reminding me why it was I broke up with this person. I found that forgiving this person and being grateful for the time we had was the remedy to moving on. I forgot briefly, that I was okay alone and that I didn’t need a relationship to judge my success on, base my happiness on or build my future upon. I was strong, independent and dedicated enough to making my life happier. I needed to get out of my break up funk and show the world who I was and what I was capable of. I went from a little dumpling that cried in my bed to a globe trotting queen who laughed and smiled everyday. I also learnt to love being single again and my god I felt like I was indestructible. I began loving life as a single woman, making decisions that only impacted me and not worrying about if I was doing the right thing all of the time. I realized that I wasn’t ready to commit to someone and that god was telling me to go and find myself. So that is what I did, I found myself and many other amazing people who helped heal me along the way.
My advice to you if you are going through a break up…
- You will love someone again: You shouldn’t be in a rush to find someone to spend your life with or fill lonely hours of the day. You should learnt to trust in your own destiny and know that when the time is right, you will naturally find the person it is that you are meant to be with. You do not have to settle for something you do not deserve. Do not settle in your current relationship because you’re scared to live your life alone. If you do this you will let fear form the foundations of your future and you will constantly be held back in your ambitions.
- It is okay to be selfish. Too many people find themselves in a situation where they don’t know what decision to make. If the person you are with loves you unconditionally, they will support your goals, ambitions and will help find a way to make it work. You do not need to sacrifice important things to stay with the person you love. If that love is unconditional and real, you will find a way remain together and move forward with your goals. If you want to move abroad and your partner doesn’t want too after talking about it often, you know that you need to do what it is that will make you happy. If that is staying with your partner in that same country, you have to make peace with the fact that you are making a compromise and cannot ever hold that person to your decision. On the other hand, if you decide to move on, do not hate yourself for being selfish. I encourage you to love that you were strong enough to put yourself first and to know what it best for you. Not many people can do that.
- Just because you’re not in love does not mean that you don’t love. If the passion is gone, the desire to impress your partner non-existent, the heat of the moment, your goals don’t align and your future with them faded, it is okay to recognize that you love them and care for them but you are no longer romantically in love with them. It is important to remember that you deserve passion, respect and excitement. You deserve to be admired and loved fiercely every day. Do not settle for less.
- Feel everything, regret nothing. This is pretty much the story of my life. I live to feel every emotion as it makes me feel alive. When I’m sad, happy, lustful, angry, anxious, scared, nervous or overwhelmed, I want to live in the emotion and understand how beautiful it is that as humans, we get to feel everything with emotional intelligence. I want to understand why I feel that way and then I want to control it and move on. During a break up you have to feel and face your reality. Just take solace in the fact that the pain will not last forever.
- You will be a better person. My break up made me 100000x better. The reason I can love my partner the way I do now is because I know what it was like to lose someone and to be unhappy in a relationship. If my partner had met me a few years back he would never have loved me because I wasn’t ready to be loved. I didn’t have any emotional intelligence and did not know how to let someone in. Thanks to my only break up, I was able to learn from the hurt. I learnt how great it was to be single and knew I wouldn’t give it up unless I was really in love. Look forward to loving again but love yourself first.
- There was a reason the relationship ended. If you broke up with someone, remember why you did it. Remember what it was you were motivated by, was it hurt? was it lack of love? was it misery? what is mutual? were you unhappy? did you want something different? Always remember why it happened or you will fall into a cycle of hating yourself for ending your relationship. If that person broke up with you, remember that they didn’t want you and you do not deserve to feel that way. Maybe they were the brave one and knew it was time for you to both move on. Maybe the were never going to love you the way that you deserve. Either way, you need to remember the why and use the emotions this arouses and use it to motivate you to a better you.
There are so many people who can tell you how to get over a break up. But I believe people can only help guide you and support you. Every break up is different and people feel differently and other people can just make their peace with it and be done. But others find it hard and need a bedrock of support.
To the people in my life who I know are going through this right now, I love you and this was for you. I know it will not be easy and I know that we will need to be there for you more than ever. You are strong enough to get through this and you are brave enough to make decisions for yourself. No one deserve to feel trapped or obligated to another. You are free to build the life you want and we will be there to help you every step of the way.
Demi Anne x
P.S: I am still very much in love with my current partner. I did not end that relationship!!! #DALEFOREVER