How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself first? This is something that I have tossed around in my mind for years. How can I truly allow myself to be loved if I don’t know what it means to love myself? It’s like going to bed with yourself, how do you know what you like during sex if you don’t know how your body works or what arouses you? Go to bed with yourself and learn about the motion to your ocean.
Life, to me, is a constant battle of self-discovery. We are constantly evolving with our environments and social trends which means satisfaction is more unattainable than ever. How can we allow ourselves to be loved if we are never satisfied with ourselves or social standards? It’s a hard one. If you ask any of my friends about my life philosophy, they would probably tell you that I focus on being a Queen.
So my advice to you is, if there are negative people from your past/present plaguing your future and your mental health… find a bin and put them in it.23 year old me.
What do you mean a Queen?
I mean someone who is comfortable in their own skin, someone who has confidence in their goals and their decisions, someone who refrains from comparisons and someone who knows how to love despite their own insecurities.
Your negative life experiences do not have to define you.
When I was younger I lived for, the most part, with an extremely abusive mother. (since I was 12 I have not seen her or associated myself with her). I let this negative upbringing define some of my adult life and it only resulted in pain and anguish. I decided to forgive her and move on from the pain so that I could stand a chance of real happiness in a life that I was to build for myself. Had I not done, I would be as miserable as I was as a child under the care of a crazy bitch.
It’s funny, when I look back on my childhood and my secondary school experiences, I knew I was bullied a lot. People would judge the way I spoke, acted, looked, weighed and who I spent time with. A particular instant that has stuck with me was being called ‘the germ’ in primary school where kids would pretend to disinfect anything I touched or when I came close to them. For a 8 year old onward, this was pretty traumatic. I actually remember a girl who slipped me a Christmas Card because she knew no one else had written me one. I did not love myself and this followed me many years to come. Kids can be cruel but I soon found out that adults could be crueler and that it could hurt so much more.
These experiences would have been enough to destroy any respect I had for myself as a women. They definitely contributed to a lot of self worth issues but as I grew older and unhappier, I realized at the ripe old age of 17 that enough was enough. No more self loathing and no more pity parties, they suck and they are lonely and there’s no alcohol. I decided to fake it till I made it. Eventually, I wasn’t trying to be happy anymore, I was just happy and this was because of the people I was attracting into my life. It was because I wasn’t letting the people of my past effect my future. So my advice to you is, if there are negative people from your past plaguing your future… find a bin and put them in it. If you need a bin, I have a few spare. The reason I choose a bin is because these people are garbage, way beyond the point of recycling. Throw them out and watch how you instantly attract new shinier things that will stick around because want them to. Don’t let your past ruin your future!
Looking for love when you don’t love yourself.
If you look for love when you don’t love yourself, you will subconsciously settle for a love you do not deserve and doesn’t fulfill you.
I know many people who have been in a relationship and have questioned whether or not their relationship is healthy, loving or normal (normal being used very loosely). Most of the time, if you do not love yourself, feel comfortable in the skin you’re in and know what you deserve, you will not attract the love you need to thrive. You will end up loving someone just because they love you. You’ll base your happiness on them and them alone which will make it hard to ever leave. Why would you leave a toxic relationship if you cannot love yourself enough to know that it’s not good for you?
My advice is to accept that there are many beautiful people in the one and their beauty does not devalue yours. There are many intelligent people in the world too but their intelligence does not make you stupid. There are a lot of expectations out there but your inability to achieve them or lack of want does not mean you are a degenerate, it means that you are strong enough to have your own goals and set of standards to achieve. You set your own goddamn standard. Just because that way of living works for that person, does not mean it will work for us all. You need to work with what you’ve got. You cannot realistically make a cake with tuna, a chair and butter. Work with what it is your have, your skills, your charms, your traits, your strengths and make what it is that is in your power to make. I would love to build a spaceship and escape this virus shit and chill with Matthew McConaughey in Space but guess what? I don’t have the tools to do that right now. But what I do have is materials to make my life a happy place in quarantine, so i’ll set myself that target not an unrealistic one. That way, the only outcome is happiness and not disappointment.
My point is, if you let all the negatives in your life become your driving force, you will never love yourself or be happy. If you are not happy you cannot experience happiness with another person no matter how much you try. It will be surface level happiness only. Eventually, that surface will crack and reveal all of the things you’ve been trying to hide by being happy with someone else.
Got to bed with yourself. Learn to love yourself. Learn what stimulates your mind. Learn what gets you going. Learn what you don’t like and what makes you unhappy. Learn what it means to look at yourself and be proud of the person you are. You are all so much more accomplished than you give yourself credit for. You are all so much stronger than you think and you are all way more beautiful than you’d like to believe. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself, or putting yourself first, it is a strength and a necessary step to a happy sustainable life.
See you on the flipside!